Garain Ranch

7 Feb 1999 - by David Ress

Ten incredibly capable and remarkable individuals managed to do the southern part of the Garain Ranch hike in a non-stop torrential downpour. The sign-in sheet was, unfortunately soaked beyond redemption before it made the rounds of the intrepid adventurers, but here's my best guess of the names of those champion hikers:

My deepest apologies to the dozens of people that we had turn back at the trailhead because, well, they just weren't good enough. Tough luck, you weaklings! And even deeper condolences to the families of those several people that couldn't keep up the pace. These poor souls had to flogged senseless with our trekking poles and left for the vampire newts and feral cattle; such is life.

The adventure-filled route was too rich for description, but suffice to say that it was tough, and, damn, we were good!

Now, on to the critical stuff: the high-tech statistics, as recorded with our vast array of microprocessor endowed electronic gizmos:

Ambulation method  Distance (furlongs)  Gain (kiloinches) Time (mFortnights)
Squishing               17.562          9.9994            12.7
Slithering              19.331          2.1733             6.2
Swimming                 3.703          -.8888             5.1
Sliding                  5.001          About zero        Too long
Crawling                Too far         Too much          Can't remember

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